


Fun Times With Evil Giraffe and Excited Demon

by gingercrusader



Category: Elder Scrolls
Genre: Best Friends, Daedra, Necromancy, Non-Graphic Violence, Old Friends, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Swearing, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-09-15 20:36:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16940286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingercrusader/pseuds/gingercrusader
Summary: This fic shall contain shorts stories from long ass lifes of Adonai Loramaraldane-An artistic ancient vampire with fabulous legs,and Jill-a daedric zombie protected from all pain and sadness by the shield of stupidity. They somehow got along,don't ask me how.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cliffracerx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cliffracerx/gifts).



As aurora was flowing trough the sky like a creek in the forest,Jill was walking back and forth outside her cave,biting her nails nervously. Where was Adonai? He was gone for a week already! "What if he's dead? Or tortured? Or what if he found another crazy friend and forgotten about me?!"these thoughts cleared her mind from all other worries. She wanted to leave the cave and go look for him,but after all they still have all their belongings inside,along with Adonai's precious jewelry. If it got stollen,he would never forgive her! She let out a stressed whine as she sat on a rock,hiding her face in her hands. Soon,she heard footsteps from the side of the closest road,and bolted up in case it would be an intruder,or an assasin of the Dark Brotherhood. Damn,these assholes even after 200 years could track her down and interupt her afternoon naps,which is unnacceptable. She smiled widely when she saw it was her only friend. She rushed to him,trying to give him a hug he disliked so much,but then when she got close,she saw that he was carrying someone. Girl raised her eyebrows up in curiosity,as she noticed,that he was carrying a sleeping Nord girl. But then,Adonai hated Nords,why would he bring one to their lair?   
"Hey,who is she? I thought you hated Nords!"she asked "Did you kidnap her?". Her voice rised a bit at the thought of her best friend kidnapping someone for his sadistic art purposes. She was alright with bones of the dead travelers they found in caves,but using an alive person would cross the line.  
"No,I did not kidnapped her,and yes,I hate Nords,but she is a vampire."he responded. "A pure blood vampire." Jill knew how pure blood vampires came into being,they were the children born from Molag Bal's disgusting desire that killed thousands of innocent people,if not millions. Her eyebrows dropped as her lips curled into a frown.  
"Oh shit...Man I feel bad for her..."she whispered. "Where did you found her?"  
"In an old dusty crypt. From what I heard from her,she was locked in there for centuries. She asked me to take her back home where I met her father. As soon as I saw him and the mad look in his eyes,I knew he gave up her dignity for such power,which I could not accept. I convinced her to leave that disgusting castle with me. These heathens had no idea what a napkin is."he explained,as his cold blue eyes sparkled with rage when he was describing the place the poor girl lived in. Jill covered her mouth as she squealed happily. Her asshole friend,who done a shitload awful things through his entire life,was now protective over a girl he didn't even know? She realized he was slowly starting to redeem himself,and no other thing could make her happier.   
"Addyyyy!"she squealed in joy,clearly annoying him. "Please stop making that sound and help me prepare a place for her to sleep."he scolded her as he went inside the cave. Jill made her a bed made out of tons of pillows and a warm fur covering it,and once she was done,Adonai placed her there carefuly to not wake her up. She looked so peaceful,yet small and weak when she was asleep. Without realizing it,Adonai took his warm cloak off and covered her with it. A huge smile lightened up his grumpy face as he saw she smiled too. He never felt so responsible and protective over someone,which made him feel weird but satisfied at the same time.  
"I will make sure nothing bad happens to you ever again."


	2. Leggy Boi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Elanor tries herself in a forgotten branch of art and the four dunmers are dissapointed.

Elanor couldn't get her eyes off her friend's newest artwork made out of upper body of a strong Nord woman with long blonde hair,sewed onto a headless corpse of a white horse,and the way how he made two different beings look so natural and beautiful amazed her and at the same time terrified her. Most of their friends found Adonai's flesh statues disgusting,especially the four dunmers who found this branch of art unnaceptable. Elanor homever found it quite fascinating,she wondered if she is capable of doing something like this,just for laughs.

Elanor let out a suprised yell as she suddenly felt cold hands rest on her shoulders. She turned around to him,her gold eyes opened wide,making her look like a scared deer,which he found quite amusing.  
"Godsdamnit Ad! Can you stop doing that?"she growled after seeing that the intruder was in fact her own room mate. In response,Adonai smirked even more."Oh I am so sorry,but I could not resist."he chuckled,yet again proud of his long trained skill to remain unnoticed as long as he wished to. He removed his hands from her shoulders and stood next to her.  
"I see you have found my newest creation "pretty dam cool". What do you like the most about it?"he asked,noticing the fascinated look in girl's eyes. He spent atleast 4 weeks on it almost without sleep if it wouldn't be for his persistent red headed friend who forcefuly dragged him into bed along with an Altmer vampire named Calibri and a Dunmer werewolf Hel,despite the fact that he stated he works perfectly without sleep,maybe he is a little more violent then but that doesn't matter to him if 5 or 200 humans get hurt.  
"I like how well you blended them together! Just like they were never separate! How do you do that?"she asked,pointing at the fantastic creature made of flesh. Adonai smiled unnoticably,he was really proud of his sewing trick which he also practiced for a really long time. He brushed the border between the woman and the horse with his hand,almost not feeling the thread connecting the meat together underneath his fingers.  
"I wish I could tell you,but the forgotten art of my people is impossible to explain with words."he answered her question,still smiling at his creation. He set the trap,now all he needed to do,is to wait for Elanor to get his suggestion,which didn't took long to his satisfaction.  
"So you're telling me I can only understand it by learning it?"  
"Exacly."  
Was it really worth the trouble? What if it's actually fun? Altmer looked around the cave,like she was trying to find the right answer,and when her eyes landed on the statue,she that she just had to say yes. She turned to Adonai and shrugged her arms with a grin."Sure,why not?"she chuckled. Adonai smirked,pleased with her answer. He walked towards his little corner where he was reading,sleeping or just lying under 30 blankets stolen from Jill,she had a terrible sense of fashion indeed,but she always picked the best,fluffiest blankets in shops. He took his warm long coat and put it on.  
"Hey,where are you going?"  
"We need materials of course."  
Adonai covered his head with a hood and marched out of the cave.

***  
The two mer were now wandering trough the cold land of the Nords,looking for materials needed for the flesh statue.  
"So,what are we looking for?" Elanor asked the Ayleid who was hiding behind the map of Skyrim looking for something.  
"We need to start with something easy that all teenager Ayleids,including me,were making for "pranks". You will need to find some legs,you choose if they are going to be hot or muscular."he answered. Altmer raised her eyebrows and her eyes opened wide when she realized she didn't mishear him. Adonai,their cold asshole Adonai was doing what?  
"Woah,you were making pranks?!"she gasped suprised. She couldn't imagine him drawing male genitals on his neighbour's walls no matter how hard she tried.  
"Hey,I used to be a child too,just like you,Jill and Deidre." he teased "So,you'll need to get some pretty legs. Do not cut them off from the rest of the body,they need to be fresh when you will sew them on to another creature"  
"Wait,I'll have to carry the entire corpse?!"  
"Art requires sacrifice,Elanor. I would recommend finding a bandit camp or something,in these awful times there is a lot of them around,and no one will care if a mindless thug gets murdered. And since you are a Thalmor Emissary I guess killing a Nord will not be a problem to you." he suggested. "We shall meet under this Nord pillar in 5 days. I will be waiting for you there."  
"Got it. See ya!" Elanor cheered as she turned around and ran deeper into the wilderness. Of course,when she needed a bandit the most,no one tried to sneak up on her and slit her throat to take ber belongings. So she wandered around singing some songs Jill taught her,from a badass song about the Dragonborn,to a calm Dunmeri lullaby,in order to kill the time and lure a possible thief to her trap. When the sky started to turn red at the end of the day,she heard heavy footsteps behind her and the sharp sound of an unsheathed sword,finally.  
"Alright,give me your belongings before I gut you like a fish" the thief hissed before Elanor turned around and summoned a Mazken from her mothers realm to do the job for her. The Dark Seducer took out her axe and rushed at the thief with a roar and plunged the blade of the axe into the thief's head,splitting it in two. Daedra took the axe out of his head,making him fall to the round. Dark eyed soldier turned around to the Altmer and kneeled before her  
"Lady Elanor,do you have other orders for me?"she asked with a faithful look in her eyes. Being a daughter of the Mad God is sure useful sometimes.  
"Yes,could you carry this corpse for me?"Elanor grined,seeing that the bandit's legs were just perfectly muscular. The Mazken nodded and got up from her knee to throw the bleeding corpse on her back.  
"Now follow me."

 

Adonai sneaked into the village as the night covered it with it's dark starry cloak. All the villagers quickly went inside their homes and locked them shut to prevent themselves from another vampire attack. On any other day,Ayleid would find it quite troubling,but tonight he didn't want to spill the blood of a human being. He walked around the village,avoiding the guards,and soon he heard the animal he was looking for. He rushed to a small field behind one of the cottages. And there it was,a nice big chicken eating the seeds out of the ground. He took his most precious belonging out of his garter belt-the Razor of his Lord Mehrunes Dagon he sworn to guard from hands not worthy to wield it. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes before grabbing the chicken.  
"I'm sorry buddy."  
In the next moment the animal was dead and the vampire's hand was stained with innocent scarlet. He hid the dead chicken in a bag and sneaked out of the village back to the old Nord pillar.

When Elanor was back with the corpse,Adonai was leaning against the pillar playing with his glorious black hair,which was now decorated with flowers in almost all colors of the rainbow. She couldn't help but to giggle at her friend's girly behaviour. At the sound of the laugh nearby he removed the flowers from his head as a dark golden blush of embarrassment covered his cheeks.  
"This never happended."he growled while hiding the flowercrown in his coat. He walked to the Mazken to see what Elanor brought and raised his eyebrow with approval."Nice legs indeed." he stated,ignoring the split in half skull of the poor guy.  
"Hey,why do we need legs only? You didn't mention any other body parts."  
"Oh,your question shall be answered soon. Let's go back to our cave "

 

Jill tried to pass the dremora guarding the entrance to Adonai's workshop,it didn't matter how hard she tried,the guardian refused to move and let them inside,which Udaya found really funny.  
"Hey,leave him be,what if they are just bangin'?"she shrugged her arms with a mischievious smirk,and Jill ignored the immature comment.  
"You could help me get him out of the way,ya know?"Jill asked the Dunmer after another try of getting inside the workshop. In response Udaya sighed. "Girl,not even this big boy could get him out of the way."  
"Please stop calling me that." Neht looked annoyed at the short redhead Dunmer. Soon the Dragonborn Dunmer named Hel came by with Udaya's brother-Semper.  
"Yo,the fuck is goin' on?"the Dragonborn raised her eyebrow at the view  
"Jill tries to cockblock Addy'n'Elly."Udaya chuckled,earning an elbow in the rib from Neht. Semper raised his eyebrow with curiosity."What does ''cockblock'' mean?" Hel ruffled his blonde hair with a motherly smile. "Shhh...You're too young..." "But I am 124 years old!"  
Suddenly,the dremora guard walked away from the corridor and two playful laughs could be heard from Ayleid's bloody workshop. They saw a shadow on the stone wall,slowly getting closer. Everyone expected a terrible monstrosity with multiple limbs to come out,but it turned out that the shadow belonged in fact to a

 

Chicken with strong human legs. The creature walked past them making weird noises as the laughter inside the workshop got louder. The dunmers looked at the weird being,they all looked rather disgusted and dissapointed with the mers' creation.   
"Jill,please talk to Adonai,he is a bad influence to Elanor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neht belongs to cliffracerx  
> Elanor belongs to crysdrawsthings on Tumblr  
> Hel belongs to baileybooradly on Tumblr  
> Semper and Udaya belong to the derpbrotherhood on Tumblr.  
> Calibri belongs to violyd on Tumblr.


	3. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's a giant flying lizard!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Adonai tries to relax,but Jill and a flying shard of the God of Time ruin everything.

Adonai was in the middle of reading a history book that Jill bought him almost 20 years ago,when his room mate rushed into their current lair. He planned to read the said book for a pretty long time,homever he never had time to do so,since they were almost always on the road,either running away from the Vigilants of Stendarr,or avoiding the civil war in Skyrim,which they both didn't care about,they simply had far more entertaining things to do,stealing ships for example (it was Jill's idea.) And now,when he finally had time to relax,she had to ruin everything,like she always did for these two centuries of their friendship. She ran to his little corner made out of warm furs and pillows,and closed the book in his hands.  
"Hey,what do you think you're doing?"he hissed at her,for he hated being disturbed in the middle of doing anything."Explain yourself right now!"  
"There's a huge flying lizard outside!"she beamed,smiling like a little excited kid,she was,to be honest. Despite being almost 230 years old,Jill still acted like a teenager,which was pretty annoying sometimes. Adonai sighed in Ayleidoon and facepalmed. He wished Jill's eyes didn't look like two empty,lifeless eyesockets that you can't read from,otherwise he could tell if Jill is drunk,high,or in the worst case-both. Ayleid sent her a cold,inpatient look as soon as he took his hand off his face.  
"Okay,what kind of stuffed you drinked slash inhaled?"he asked calmly. In response,the short ginger frowned slightly.   
"Hey,I'm not drinking that often,you know! If you would spend more time with me,then maybe you would know me a little better!"she protested with a dissapointed look. Adonai rolled his eyes with another sigh.

"Jillian,I spent two hundred years,6 months and two weeks with you."he stated,before Jill took his cold hand and dragged him outside,earning from the mer angry complains in his native language. After he put his hood on to protect himself from the merciless light of the sun,he looked around the sky. Just like he expected,he didn't saw or heard anything that could be a giant flying lizard.   
"So,where is that creature you were talking about?"he asked her,crossing his arms. Jill looked around,grinning like a dumbass she was,which made him assume that in fact she only saw the beast on a phase after taking some drugs,which made him slightly worried. He knew she was only drinking and doing drugs when her feelings that she tries to desperately burry inside her,finally make it to the surface. Sometimes,he would catch her weeping into her pillow,while the pile of empty alcohol bottles grew bigger and bigger.  
He gave her a slightly concerned look as she still looked around nervously for the creature.  
"Jill,I told you four times already that you do not need to look for support in alcohol or skooma." he muttered,looking away embarrassed,since he wasn't used to telling her nice things,he prefered to show that she was a quite nice person by acts,not words,which he wasn't doing often as well. He just doesn't know how to people,but Jill is trying to work on it.  
"I wasn't doing any drugs,god damn it!"she growled,still looking around. Ayleid sighed yet again and turned around to walk inside their lair to continue reading the book,but then,he heard a roar above him as a shadow suddenly covered him.

When he quickly turned around,he saw it. The giant flying lizard.  
"Holy sh-"he gasped,before Jill pulled him behind the closest boulder when the creature opened it's jaws and shot out a huge wave of fire out of it. Adonai never seen anything like that in his entire,long ass life,  
"What in Oblivion is that?"he whispered to Jill,who was currently giggling excitedly.  
"I have no idea,but I wanna fight it!"she whispered back to him.  
"Are you kidding me?! This thing will burn me down to ash in a second!"he hissed.He didn't worry about her in that case,since she was,well...pretty damn hard to destroy,because all her wounds healed immediately and her cutten off limbs always attached themselves back to her body,they both had no idea why,and how it worked,but it worked. Also she knew some useful shield spells,so that made her even more harder to kill.   
Jill smiled to him smugly,knowing exacly how to convince him to fight the flying monster. He always had a thing for necromancy and dead things,once she catched him laughing to a puppy he once found on the road dead,he said he would burry it,but in reality he hid it in his bag and later brought it back to life in their cave when Jill was out to do some stupid things,like usual.  
"If we'll kill it,maybe you could resurrect it?"she suggested. His sea green eyes sparkled with excitment,and a smile brightened up his usually bored and angry face. To her,Adonai's smile was a treasure,burried deep inside forgotten ruins,that was only revealed to people who were worthy enough to see it,she couldn't help but to smile back to him.  
"Challenge accepted."

 

After a long and exhausting fight,the monster finally let out his final roar before falling down to the ground,almost crushing them. Adonai walked towards the monster's corpse with a satisfied,yet tired smile,he had his resurrecting spell prepared,there is nothing that could go wrong now. He already had in mind a couple ideas how he could use the beast. He could order it to burn down the heart of the Stormcloak rebellion : the city of Windhelm.Or he could fly on it back to his and Jill's homeland,or maybe even help the Aldmeri Dominion? All these options filled him with pure joy and excitment,he could wait any longer. He shot out from his hand a small missile of purple fire towards the corpse. But then.  
Nothing happended. The beast stayed dead.

"GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!"he screamed in his native language.


End file.
